100% Foolproof NBA Playoff Predictions

Many experts will try and predict what will happen in the NBA playoffs, but none will be 100% right.

The NBA playoffs are here, welcoming one of the best months of basketball of the year. This year’s playoffs have compelling storylines and the potential for amazing matchups. While most people believe that the Golden State Warriors will waltz to their third consecutive NBA Championship and fourth in five seasons, I am not so sure.

Teams like the Milwaukee Bucks and Toronto Raptors could cause problems in the NBA Finals, and in the Western Conference, the Houston Rockets could do what they were unable to last year.

The best way to accurately predict what will happen in the NBA Playoffs is to look at in-depth analysis, advanced statistics, and match-ups throughout the season. Or if you’re too lazy to do that like me, you could choose which mascot you think would win in a fight.


Round One

Golden State Warriors v. Los Angeles Clippers
Warriors sweep this one easily. Warriors are a heavily trained army with a lot of fighting experience. A clipper is a boat from the nineteenth century. Definitely an easy win for the Warriors. Warriors in 4.

Houston Rockets v. Utah Jazz
This is a huge dud of a matchup. Unless the rocket is sentient, then it’s two non-living objects. While Jazz music might be delightful, and similar to the game of basketball according to Michael Scott, it is not intimidating at all. Overall, this is a split. I think a rocket is much more dangerous than a type of music though. Rockets in 7.

Portland Trail Blazers v. Oklahoma City Thunder
This is a tricky one. While the Thunder may seem like the obvious favorite, thunder itself is just a loud noise. As for Trail Blazers, I think of Lewis and Clark who don’t seem threatening. After doing a bit of research, Lewis and Clark killed a few grizzly bears on their expedition, and thunder can damage your ears. In my opinion, killing a bear is more impressive than damaging some ears. Blazers in 6.

Denver Nuggets v. San Antonio Spurs
Who would win: a nugget of gold, or a spur on a cowboy shoe? Honestly, I have no clue. My method for choosing this one is using rock-paper-scissors. A gold nugget is similar to rock, and a spur is likely made out of metal making it similar to scissors. Rock beats scissors. Nuggets in 5. I’ll give the Spurs a game in case they are sharp enough to cut a gold nugget.

Milwaukee Bucks v. Detroit Pistons
A piston is a part of a car engine. A buck is a male deer, which has big horns. I don’t think a car engine can stop a deer, considering deers often damage cars. Bucks should win in 4, but they’ll win in 6. Shoutout to Brandon Jennings.

Boston Celtics v. Indiana Pacers
This is a weird one. Either an Irishmen or a car will advance to the second round. Cars can run over and kill humans very easily, but humans control cars. I’ve never heard any stereotypes about Irish people being bad drivers, and I don’t think the pace car is sentient like in Pixar’s Cars movies. I’ll throw the Pacers a few games just in case of car accidents. Celtics in 6.

Philadelphia 76ers v. Brooklyn Nets
Someone from the revolutionary era would easily be able to beat a literal basketball net. 76ers in 4.

Toronto Raptors v. Orlando Magic
Definitely the toughest first-round matchup is found here at the bottom of the Eastern Conference. Raptors are easily the most vicious predator out of the group, but magic can be super powerful. However, there is no scientific proof that magic is real. Raptors in 7.


Second Round

Golden State Warriors v. Houston Rockets
The group of Warriors would be able to break down the rocket and ruin it. Unless the rocket gains life somehow, it’s done for. Warriors in 4.

Denver Nuggets v. Portland Trail Blazers
People can easily beat a gold rock. Blazers in 4.

Milwaukee Bucks v. Boston Celtics
Depending on the weapons that the Celtic people have, they could win this one. However, after looking up Irish deer hunting rules, I think the Bucks take this one. Deer is a protected species in Ireland, meaning the Bucks wouldn’t be able to be killed by the Celtics. Bucks in 4.

Toronto Raptors v. Philadelphia 76ers
I don’t think that revolutionary era men had enough weaponry to consistently beat a pack of Raptors. Have you seen Jurrasic Park? They’re vicious. Raptors in 5.


Conference Finals

Golden State Warriors v. Portland Trail Blazers
The Warriors would seem as if they would have an advantage. It’s a group of trained military fighters against explorers. However, Lewis and Clark took their expedition in the 1800s so they would have advanced weaponry. So, I’ll take Trail Blazers and their guns over Warriors and their spears. Trail Blazers in 7.


Milwaukee Bucks v. Toronto Raptors
There is no way that a group of deer will fight off and kill a pack of some of the most savage dinosaurs. Raptors in 4.


NBA Finals

Toronto Raptors v. Portland Trail Blazers
This all depends on if a raptor could kill a grizzly bear. After reading through some quora questions, it seems as if a raptor and grizzly bear are equal matches. Seeing as there is documentation of an explorer/trail blazer killing a grizzly bear, I think they’d be able to take out a raptor. But, it is a pack of raptors, so it depends on the number of humans v. raptors.

Continuing with using Lewis and Clark as my baseline, there would be three trail blazers (Lewis, Clark, and Sacagawea). Scientists do believe that raptors hunted in packs, but the size is unknown. I’m going to use Jurrasic Park as my reference, where there were three raptors in a pack. I do believe that three humans capable of killing one grizzly bear would be outmatched against three raptors. It would be a close one though. Raptors in 7.

So there you have it. The Toronto Raptors will take home their first-ever NBA championship after defeating the Portland Trail Blazers in seven games. The finals MVP will be Serge Ibaka, as he has gotten into many fights, so he is my default ‘best fighter’ on the Raptors.

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