Last night was one for American Football. An evening where viewers across the United States dropped everything to pray that a football team so easily hateable didn’t do the unbearable and win again. An evening where viewers in probably a handful of countries rooted for Tom Brady because they may recognize his name. It was supposed to be a great American showcase of why everything wasn’t so bad. It was a night to say: Hey, the politics are all over the place, and everything seems kind of out of control, but we can still put on a show. Last night, America failed.
There were so many things wrong with Superbowl LIII. First of all, the victors. America, your television is known for its unseemly and ridiculous plot twists. The “he was the killer the WHOLE time” plotline is a fundamental part of like 70 percent of your programming. But on this night, when you needed it the most, you couldn’t pull out a surprise ending? All you did tonight was justify every single American Football hater. Brits reluctantly tuned in because our large-chinned football team captain was there. We hoped to see a flash of something great, something fun. We were disappointed. The same team won, again. And it wasn’t even exciting. No big plays, remarkable catches, incredible interceptions, or any real fun. I was bored.
There’s an adage of sorts “the scoreline doesn’t reflect how close the game was.” Usually, it pertains to a thrashing on paper which was far more narrow in reality. Last night, the Patriots flipped that on its head. It was a 13-3 demolition. I don’t understand this sport very much, but the Rams were lost. “Star” running back Todd Gurley had a bit of a poorly knee so he decided not to show up. Jared Goff took an absolute beating. Aaron Donald, allegedly the best defensive player in the league, couldn’t stop a ragtag group of veterans from constantly squeaking out first downs.
Onto the entertainment. I am a self-proclaimed music snob. My music taste is incredibly refined and mere mortals cannot comprehend its eloquence. That said, Maroon 5 has made some ABSOLUTE BOPS. “Sunday Morning” and “She Will Be Loved” still sound fantastic in 2019. Even “Moves Like Jagger” is a generational banger. So, after 90 minutes of an absolute snoozefest, I thought Adam Levine and whoever the others are would come up with something semi-memorable. Nope. Levine struggled to hype up a crowd who didn’t know a single word to the masterpiece “Harder to Breathe.” So he gave up and let his mate Travis Scott fly in. Scott put on a show, falling onto stage entrapped in a meteor, and jumping out amidst a ball of flames. That seven seconds was the high point of the evening. Then Scott sang a snippet of “Sicko Mode” without autotune, and the childish smirk disappeared from my face and blood poured from my ears. The H-town rapper crowd surfed off, presumably never to be seen again.
— FTPFLAME (@ftpflamexx) February 4, 2019
Do not fear, America countered, Big Boi is here. Well, admittedly, 0.5 of Outkast was awesome. He rode in on a cool convertible, and every single Atlanta native in the stadium filled with Patriots fans (funny that) actually seemed energized. The
man Boi performed about 45 seconds of “The way you move” (yeah, the one that isn’t “Hey Ya!”) in a commendable attempt to salvage the night. Then Adam Levine ripped his shirt off while missing notes all the way through “Moves Like Jagger.” No fireworks or big explosions distracted viewers from his shocking “California” tattoo. Instead, we cringed our way through a song that dominated airwaves in 2011. To make matters worse, we were put through more of the whole football ordeal. While slightly less underwhelming, it still fell far short of the classic that many had predicted.
“But Tom”, you may say with a beer-fueled belch. “You just don’t understand this sport enough.” You may be right. So I sought out an explanation. Granted, I live in a college dorm with about 150 students, most of whom have international backgrounds or no real knowledge of the game either, but I TRIED. Tony Romo, your supposed oracle of all things football, couldn’t conjure up a response. He must have said “Belichick special” at least of 15 times. What does that mean, exactly? Is Bill Belichick a genius, or is Sean McVay handsome yet ineffective? If this Rams offense is ALLEGEDLY so good, how were they held to 3 points? Romo may use “Belichick specials” as an answer to everything, but I have another suggestion. I don’t think you understand, either. I think your affinity for the dramatic gets the best of you. America, your lack of appreciation for any sort of subtlety puts you in a position unable to explain any nuance. You EXPECT big plays. You EXPECT ridiculous television shows with illogical Hollywood endings. That’s why you don’t watch “soccer.” Well, do I have news for you, United States. You’ve just been Mourinho-ed.