As you all know, the XFL is being rebooted, resuming play in 2020. As you may not know, the XFL website has a page outlining careers, including an application to be a coach or a player. So anybody with internet access can throw their hat in the ring to be a part of the newest pro football league. Anybody. And if you don’t see where this is going, shame on you.
I applied to be a head coach.
Now, in the football world, it’s all about who you know. So my attempt to get involved as an outsider to the game will almost certainly be in vain. But I still feel I put my best foot forward in my application. Below is an in-depth analysis.
My Cover letter:
The cover letter is an applicant’s chance to put their personality out there for employers to see what they are like. I feel I gave a pretty strong impression of who I am and how I would coach.
From the office of Benjamin J. Fischer
December 9, 2018
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Ben Fischer. I am a 19-year-old sophomore at the University of Maryland, and I believe I am the perfect candidate to coach an XFL team. Critics may point to my complete lack of football experience as a player or coach, but I firmly believe that I have what it takes to be the next great football coach and I am prepared to prove it.
For background, I was born and raised in Boston, and I have worshipped at the altar of Bill Belichick for my entire life. While I have absorbed his tactical mastery and exquisite fashion sense, I can combine those all-time great traits with my infectious energy to form a cult of personality around myself with players and fans to launch the league to new heights.
As you will see later in my application, I plan to run an exciting, fast-paced offense, made for Big 12-level scoring performances and Super Bowl-level TV ratings. I do plan to outsource most of my defensive planning to my coordinator, as I am more of an offensive coach, but I am confident that, with the right candidate, we can coexist and lead a championship-caliber team.
If I could leave you with one thought, it would be this. The XFL began as a league for outsiders, renegades and football rejects. It provided a home for people with no other place to go to fulfill their love for this beautiful game. In that spirit, I think the hiring of a totally unqualified jackass would be exactly what the league needs to re-launch itself for a new generation.
Thank you for your time and God bless America.
The Online Application
First came questions about my experience, clearly designed to weed out guys like me who are attempting to break into the football world for the first time. I made sure to be honest and let the league know that my inexperience was not only not a drawback, but an active advantage to my application.
I made it clear in this section that I am an offensive coach. I also included that sweet ‘85 Bears reference to show how much of a student of the history of the game I am.
I am my own man in the football world. While I am normally a very mellow guy, put me on the sideline and I will unleash a monster that will galvanize every man on my squad. The agent question was clearly trying to trip me up, but I don’t have, want, or need an agent.
I finished out the application with a rousing call for patriotism, my Twitter handle and the fact that nobody knows how I am as a coach. They don’t know what I’m going to have my team do on gameday, and that mystery will make my team a terrifying force.
Now there’s a very slim chance that I won’t get hired. They may decide to go another direction. I think they’d be wrong to do so, but that is their right. As for me, I’m currently getting fitted for my championship ring and my Canton gold jacket. See you suckers at the top.