Satirical Saturdays: Cristiano Ronaldo receives apology gift from UEFA

UEFA clearly feels sorry for Cristiano.

Cristiano Ronaldo found flowers and chocolates on the doorstep of his Turin home Thursday morning, according to multiple sources.

After being sent off in controversial fashion, the Portuguese international received the gifts as a formal apology from UEFA.

“It was very nice of them to do that. I knew the crying would work,” Ronaldo said, wiping away tears.

It was an anticlimactic Champions League debut for the five-time Ballon d’Or winner in his new Juventus kit, as he lasted only 29 minutes on the pitch. The event was incredibly embarrassing for the club, especially with their history of bribing referees.

“We thought when Pen-aldo came to our team that we would get even more favorable calls. We even reduced the amount that went into UEFA’s pocket every month,” Juventus manager Massimiliano Allegri said.

Allegri continued to say that the referring was disappointing, and he felt that Juventus didn’t have nearly enough penalties.

Ronaldo projects to be banned for at least one game, but Jorge Mendes, Ronaldo’s agent, said that he hopes that with more tears that ban can be overturned.


“My client is too beautiful to be off the pitch. It would be demoralizing for fans, both male and female,” Mendes explained.

All Cristiano can do now is gorge on chocolate and practice his crocodile tears as he awaits UEFA’s bribe decision.

In Other News:

  • Roberto Firmino gets groundbreaking surgery to become first professional cyclops athlete
  • $10,000 mysteriously disappears from Brown’s owner Jimmy Haslam’s pocket as Jets coincidentally get $10,000 richer.
  • Screams of “trade me” heard from Tom Thiboudeau’s house
  • LeBron James announces he will play a Monstar in Space Jam 2

0 comments on “Satirical Saturdays: Cristiano Ronaldo receives apology gift from UEFA

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: