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Satirical Saturdays: NFL fan’s eyes fall out of sockets after watching Neymar dive

Shocking stuff.

American sports fans are accustomed to the finer elements of the live sport viewing experience: brunt force, lots of collision contact, illegal hitting and fights. Yet, when they witnessed Neymar attempt to draw a foul in one of the most disgraceful soccer moves in the game, doctors feared the worst.

Among the thousands of fans that were rushed to the emergency room for dizziness, nausea and odd stomach feelings, there was one case in particular that stood out. A 43-year-old Boston native named Tim O’Callahan had possibly the worst viewing experience of a live sporting event ever yesterday. His eyes had fallen out of their sockets.

O’Callahan, an avid New England Patriots fan, had watched most of the World Cup without a problem. Yet, whenever he turned on the games involving Brazil, or any other South American team for that matter, and maybe also England, his eyes burned up.

“All I know is it’s not natural for an athlete to be such a (expletive),” O’Callahan said, bluntly. “Back when I played sports in high school, I was the team’s second-leading rusher by the way, we didn’t take any crap from anybody.”

Neymar garnered a quick reputation throughout the tournament for falling too easily looking for the referee to blow his whistle amongst minimal contact, often rolling through not only the couple yards in proximity to the alleged foul, but all over the world as well.

The “flopping” from what many say is the world’s third-best player has put a sour taste on one of the greatest World Cups ever. Filled with drama and upsets, the Russians have done it right. It’s no surprise a team who literally grew up beating each other up in the forests of Siberia has shownthe toughness to advance past the quarterfinal round.

“The soft Spaniards didn’t stand a chance against those hooligans,” O’Callahan said. “Kinda like those Falcons didn’t have a damn chance against my Timmy Bradyshaw.” (He meant Tom Brady, of course.)

The Brazilian No. 10’s antics got him the opposite of the benefit of the doubt against the Belgians, and perhaps deservedly so for karma’s sake. He looked lost in the 2-1 defeat against the Red Devils.

While the U.S. aren’t actually playing in this World Cup, at least the non-soccer fans are tuning in – even if they really don’t like it!

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