Football’s coming home: thoughts following England’s win

England won on penalties and I can't believe it.

Me, before the game:

“Football’s coming home!” I jubilantly scream as I pace around my house with clammy hands, unsure as to whether I mean it or am merely trying to reassure myself. It’s probably a bit of both. For today, my feelings are mixed. We have that Harold Kane guy, so that’s good. The god that is Jordan Henderson is playing like a Steven Gerrard with slightly better hair. Even Ashley Young (most refer to him as he who shall not be named) isn’t embarrassing himself.

That said, there are many shortcomings. For one, England is only a real threat from set pieces. For all his pace and movement, Raheem Sterling couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat. Jesse Lingard, or J-Lingz as he is colloquially known, looks like a deer in headlights in front of goal. Dele Alli is just quite injured. Jordan Pickford isn’t very good at football. Additionally, the fact that John Stones is our best defender doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.

Hey, that’s England. Let’s see what happens…

Half time

Colombians are mean! Odd stereotypes aside, what a snoozefest. England are in their signature lots-of good-ideas-but-no-way-to-execute-them mindset. Colombia don’t have anything going without James. It’s a bit of a mess. Still, IT’S COMING HOME.

Second half

I, sitting on my sofa at home, have more control of this game than this referee. Both teams are recklessly flying in for tackles before disputing the referee’s decision. Serious question, why do any athletes argue calls? Correct or not, you just embarrassed yourself without changing them.

Once again, IT’S COMING HOME. Harry Kane waits for about 15 yellow cards to be dished out before burying the penalty. What a lad. Never had a bad word to say about him. 1-0!

These yellow cards are an issue. Not sure I like where this is going. There could easily have been two or three red cards already. 

Live look in at both teams:

giphy 2.gif

*Colombia scores stoppage time equalizer*


I hate this game so much. It’s bad. Soccer is unfair. Harry Kane is bad. Goodbye.

Before extra time

Play the game with some dignity, Colombia. That is all.

Extra time

No. Just no. This game has become painful to watch. We have nothing going forward and can’t pick a pass. Harry Maguire seemed to be fascinated by a ball boy and almost conceded a silly goal. Fantastic. Throw ins have become an issue. My intramural soccer team could give England a fight right now.

Eric Dier sucks.

The p-word

We’re screwed.

About 10 minutes later


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