The Reds sweep the Cubs and I am dead inside


For those of you who don’t know me, I am one of those people who treats every baseball game like it is the World Series. A random loss in mid-June stings just as much as one that ends the season.

It’s a painful curse that I have never been able to shake. It ruins my entire summer because instead of enjoying the two things New Jersey has to offer (highway traffic and Applebees), I have to spend every waking moment contemplating life because the Cubs lost one baseball game. If you ever see me after the Cubs lose 5-0 to the Pirates on a Tuesday, I look like this:


With that being said, I think this weekend has been the worst of my life. There aren’t too many things I have to look forward to right now. I’m in New Jersey working a 9-5 job and I don’t think girls even realize that I exist. This means that the Chicago Cubs are really my one true source of happiness.

So, getting swept by the Cincinnati Reds in heartbreaking fashion forces me to sadly say that I am officially dead inside.

Sure, the Cubs are going to lose 70 or so games this year (if they are as good as I still believe they are), so four losses may not seem like much in the grand scheme of things. However, four losses that happen because of this stuff is just an unreal punch in the gut.

I could sit here and continue to write about how I know the Cubs are way better than this and everything is fine because:

  1. Kris Bryant is too handsome to struggle forever.
  2. One day Tyler Chatwood will disappear from the roster.
  3. Injuries are hurting them right now and they are still a young team with a ton of talent.

But, I don’t want to do that. I want to sit here and wallow in my sadness for all of eternity. I want to pretend like I won’t be perfectly fine if the Cubs win three out of four when in reality I’ll already forget any of this ever happened. So, please respect my wishes at this time to be considered dead inside.

If you want to bring me a fruit basket or venmo me $500, I’d be open to it.

Also, congrats to the Cincinnati Reds on becoming World Series favorites, for a city that is stuck with Andy Dalton and Skyline Chili, I’m happy for you.

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