I don’t watch golf, but rumor has it the course in Shinnecock this year is just dominating everyone in the tournament. It has been so wild that the discussion even made it to a group chat filled with some WTS writers and some other people with weird brains. Why do we call it ‘Chent’? None of your business.
After immediately being stunned that we were wasting time talking golf in a place that is supposed to be focused on saying “your mom” to each other, I decided to try and guess what I would shoot on the course.
Some others gave their predictions as well, so as the smartest man in the group, it’s time to dissect the takes.
Note: We do not have unlimited mulligans because people have already done that argument as I don’t want to be called a copycat.
Those who gave predictions
Jack Schemmel (@Jack_Schemmel27): “I think I could break 120.”
I’ll just flat out say it; Jack is such a golf nerd. He’s always trying to talk so much about the game and send us Snapchats of him on some random course just to brag that he can live the lifestyle of a 75-year-old-man in Florida.
It comes as no surprise that he gave the lowest score of the group, backing it up with a completely irrelevant fact:
Can anyone even vouch for this? Good chance this was just a round of mini-golf he played in between his busy schedule of sending us pictures of him listening to Meek Mill in his car and telling us which collegiate athletes struck him out in high school.
I will say that out of any of us Jack will get the best score as he lives in warm weather and actually plays golf consistently which is an incredible overall advantage over the rest of us who are more accustomed to the driving range. However, 120 is just too cocky and even if he’s right we can’t let him feel that good about himself, so he’s wrong.
Noah Gross (@noah_gross27): 135
Such a Noah answer, doesn’t give any reason but just states that he’ll only shoot 15 more than the best golf player in the group because of his insane confidence. You tell this guy he can beat Kyrie 1-on-1 and all the sudden he thinks he owns the world.
He’s clearly wrong, but I know for a fact Noah will not take that for an answer so let me just give a reason why he possibly could so he leaves me alone.
- He’s actually athletic for someone who wants the body type of a bowling ball.
James Mahoney (_@jamesmahoney): 300
Not really going to give this kid the time of day after I murdered him two weeks ago with only one rap verse, but he’s probably right here.
Also I would want to golf with James because he’s the only person who can verbal match me with wit and it’s so funny seeing him cry about the Mets every six seconds.
Want to see how humble I am? I know this take is incredibly wrong. I’d shoot about a 60,000,000. I have never golfed, swing the club like a baseball bat and usually miss the tee even at a driving range.
I’d be a mess, but I can tell you one thing that is for sure: I’d look damn good doing it.
Those who did not give predictions
Kevin Brown (@kevbrown89): 230
My man Kev got that smooth stroke; his only problem is going to be motivation. If it’s not lacrosse or soccer, it’s going to be so hard for him to make it past the second hole.
Dylan D’Andrea (@DylanDAndreaUMD): Doesn’t play just makes fun of everyone.
Classic Dylan, never does anything but loves kicking people when they’re down.
Liam Fulling (@LiamFulling): Plays a great front 9 but then leaves with random girl and gets a hickey.
“Hey, you know I have an apartment in NYC blah blah blah.”
Duncan Woodward (@Duncan_W97): Doesn’t even show up.
Duncan may be dead, no clue.