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North America gets 2026 World Cup, let’s look into the future

Bet you never thought there'd be virtual alien races this soon into the future.

I don’t really know or care much about soccer. The World Cup begins tomorrow and honestly I’m more annoyed than excited that I’m going to have to pay attention to the games. Nevertheless, waking up and seeing that the 2026 World Cup will be on our turf is pretty big news.

It got me thinking, what will life, and more importantly sports, be like eight years from now? I know personally I’ll either be filthy rich from selling WTS for $100 million and backstabbing Kevin and Noah to take all the money, or I’ll be living in my mom’s basement from the result of betting all my money on virtual alien races (yeah, we have that in the future). But, the sports world will be very different as well.

NBA

LeBron James pulls star son LeBron Jr. from the league as he continues to break records

LBJ loves his kids, don’t get me wrong. He’s a hard-working father of three and I respect the hell out of that. But, if you think for one second that he’s not going to get pissed when his son breaks into the NBA and starts overshadowing him, you’re completely wrong. If there’s one thing LeBron likes more than a Pinot Noir with an incredible finish (usually best after chilled with a little ice), it’s the spotlight.

Kevin Durant embraces reputation, turns himself into a snake

Technology is going to be crazy in 2026, and KD should take full advantage of it. No matter how many titles he wins, or how many beers he begins to chug and then puke up, he’ll always be a snake to everyone.

P.S. I may turn myself into a lion and just physically dominate the hell out of Noah.

MLB

Mike Trout wins fifth straight MVP, and no one blinks. Shohei Ohtani breathes, the world loses its mind.

Mike Trout may just go down as the greatest player of all time, and in 20 years we’re all going to look like IDIOTS for not treating him like that. West coast or not, bad team or not, we don’t respect this man properly. Fix it people.

Yankees win eighth straight World Series, Aaron Judge is proclaimed god of the Universe. MLB considers just giving them the trophy and cancelling season.

I’m really bad at predictions and I also hate the Yankees, so I pray reverse psychology actually works.

NFL

Robot Tom Brady says, “One more year.”

After the Patriots randomly trade away hologram Jimmy Garoppolo, TB12 2.0 will once again keep his starting spot. This Brady has a strict diet as well (can’t drink oil, only natural gas).

Browns open to drafting highly-touted giraffe with first pick to solve QB problem.

“He’s tall, hard to tackle and I really liked him in the movie Madagascar,” said Hugh Jackson, who somehow still has the job despite only having two wins since 2018.

NHL

Ovechkin the first human to maintain a constant BAC of 2.0 while functioning normally

The Capitals don’t win another Stanley Cup, but I think Ovi is at a level right now that he won’t ever be able to come down from. I imagine him becoming Will Ferrell’s character in “Blades of Glory”, just skating around drunk in a costume reliving the glory days.

Ryan Homler sees puck, is now a hockey expert.

Congrats to me.

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