NBA

Satirical Saturdays: NBA forces mystery GM into office at Golden State to “make things more fair”

Hopefully something like this actually happens.

Similar to when the NBA  forced the Philadelphia 76ers old general manager out of office for making his team “too bad,” Adam Silver announced early Saturday that the league has appointed a new GM for Golden State being “too good.”

The Warriors have just secured their third title in four years in dominant fashion, sweeping the LeBron James-led Cavaliers. While this dynastical level of success has occurred in prior decades, the fact that Golden State has four of the top-15 best players in the NBA is what made the league take these drastic measures.

“While I fully congratulate the Warriors on another terrific season, we can’t continue to have these anticlimactic endings to the season,” said Silver. “It’s no longer fun for the fans and consumers of the game to watch the games when they already know the outcome. We had to address this immediately.”

This new GM came as a surprise to the basketball community, particularly because nobody ever really heard of him. It also must not have been easy for the Warriors organization to involuntarily part ways with two-time Executive of the Year in former GM Bob Myers.

“We’ve found the perfect person to spearhead this project. An outside-the-box thinker, we know he’ll serve the league and his new team well,” Silver explained at the press conference.

Silver reportedly wanted to insert perhaps the most legendary folklore figure in process history, Sam Hinkie, but his services had already been snatched up in an analytics role with the Denver Broncos of the NFL.

Instead, the NBA went a different route by hiring someone with less of an actual pedigree in large-scale management, but his intentions were as clear as day.

His name – Noah Gross.

While Gross’s name may sound unfamiliar to the professional basketball community, he brings a few years of unrelated media experience to the job. Still, his intentions to blow up this great thing that the Warriors have going made him the front-runner for the opening.

Gross, an Ohio native, is a fierce Cleveland fan in all sports. Seeing his team get swept in the Finals, a lack of experience plus his known love for tanking made him the perfect candidate to restore order in the league and take the position.

“I am grateful for this opportunity, but what I am most looking forward to is over-working these players in the weight room,” Gross said, thinking that he was also becoming the team’s new strength and conditioning coach. “Halftime workouts will become mandatory so Golden State’s dominant third quarters will be a thing of the past.”  

Gross co-founded What the Sports last May, along with two other more handsome fellows. The publication supported his decision to chase his not-well-known dream of becoming the Warriors GM.

“We wish Noah nothing but awful things in the Bay Area,” Ryan Homler, one of the co-founders said.

Gross took the core message of Homler’s farewell to heart and will make sure the annoyingly-great Warriors are a thing of the past.

“Hopefully this works out a little better than that last GM we forced into office,” Silver laughed. “That was a total disaster.”

Other News

Here are some of the world of sports’ other pressing headlines of what went down this past week:

  • LeBron James clarifies postgame comment about not knowing where he’ll play next year, says “not this place,” while punching a whiteboard with his left hand.
  • Messi makes sure Gonzalo Higuain will score important goals this World Cup by reportedly locking him out of his place with a note for him to go practice shooting in middle of night.
  • Alex Ovechkin happy to win Stanley Cup, but he wants to takeover White House next.
  • Gronk reportedly linked to getting traded to every single team in the NFL, WTS insider Ryan Homler reports.

 

1 comment on “Satirical Saturdays: NBA forces mystery GM into office at Golden State to “make things more fair”

  1. Max-SlamDown Sports

    Love the infused humor. Sports are even better with a bit of comedy!

    Liked by 1 person

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