In the past few years, Tom Brady has become known for his TB12 method. It consists of many wacky elements, but it focuses on drinking borderline-dangerous amounts of water, eating avocado-based ice cream and emphasizing “pliability” which I believe means how skilled you are with pliers. The fixation on Tom Brady’s routine has made me wonder what it would look like if other football players came out with their own methods of personal care.
Jay Cutler’s JC6 Method
Drink six cups of black coffee every day. Whenever your mouth is unoccupied, put a cigarette in it. Exercise routine will consist at most of lifting free weights while wearing a wifebeater and watching The Price is Right.
Ray Lewis’s RL52 Method
For three hours a day, stare at yourself in the mirror and scream at the top of your lungs. Eat only nails (screws or Monopoly tokens are acceptable substitutes but nails are preferred).
Bo Jackson’s BJ34 Method
Eat whatever you want. Exercise however you want. If you are a freak of nature like Bo Jackson, then you are cut out for this particular workout method and you will remain godlike forever.
Rob Gronkowski’s RG87 Method
Snort protein powder. Alternate between drinking Monster Energy Drink and Natural Light. Do push ups until you pass out.
Vince Wilfork’s VW75 Method
Eat gigantic turkey legs. Bench press Fiats. Wear overalls while eating pizza.
Nick Foles’s NF9 Method
Vote for Pedro. Wear extra large gloves.
Ndamukong Suh’s NS93 Method
Slam someone to the ground. Then kick them. Once you get tired of that stomp on them a little bit.
Vontaze Burfict’s VB55 Method
Kick some kids. Or maybe an old lady. Then try to cripple Antonio Brown again. And whatever you do, do not win a playoff game.
James Harrison’s JH92 Method
Throw gigantic tires across the beach volleyball court as a warm-up. Run through Death Valley while wearing a hoodie and sweatpants.
Cam Newton’s CN1 Method
Wear something ridiculous like a vest made of saran wrap or a hat made of live ducks. Do ladder drills to increase agility for jumping away from your own fumbles during the Super Bowl.