“Oh my god, it is consuming like, all of my time.” No Becky, having to peel the peel off your orange is not consuming like, all your time. You know what would though? Tinder. Do not get into it. It takes over your life. My life used to be consumed fully by sports, but is now all Tinder, so I figured I would combine the two. Here is the Tinder profile for every NFL playoff team and if you should swipe right (buy in) to their playoff success.
1.New England Patriots, 13-3
- Education– Belichick’s Military School of No Emotion
- About– Uh *Excessive grunts* We still have a lot of room to improve. Just focused on the next week. *So many more grunts, coughs and scoffs at reporter’s questions.*
- Swipe– You don’t want to, but you just got to. Lethargic Swipe Right
2. Pittsburgh Steelers, 13-3
- Education – Mike Tomlin’s school of meme-worthy faces and cheerleading
- About -We love pep talks…and almost catching footballs…and having most our good players have names that start with ‘B’.
- Swipe – You do not feel good about it, but because there are not many other fish in the sea (good teams in the AFC), you give these veterans a shot.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars, 10-6
- Education – None, we just became good all of the sudden lol.
- About – We do not really know, to be honest. We thought our defense was one of the best ever, but the 49ers just dropped a 40-burger on us. And we thought Blake Bortles was good now, but who freaking knows, man.
- Swipe – It is looking like a no from you, dawg. Too many questions marks makes you say ‘nope.’
4. Kansas City Chiefs, 10-6
- Education – Overeating and game managing
- About – Well, we looked super good, then awful, they pretty good. Who knows how good we are, but remember when we beat the Patriots?
- Swipe – Heavy pass. What is appealing here other than the possibility of Patrick Mahomes in the future?
5. Tennessee Titans, 9-7
- Education – Bluegrass and our mommas raising us right.
- About – People really liked us coming into this year after last year. Sorry people who thought we would be good, because we were awful and do not deserve to be here. I’m starting to think we were trying to miss the playoffs but still somehow made it.
- Swipe – You swipe left quicker than Marcus Mariota can run into his own running back.
6. Buffalo Bills, 9-7
- Education – School of droughts and sub-zero temps
- About – WE MADE IT! Wait? We are actually in this thing? Like, for real? This is super awesome, just happy to be here! You better be willing to drunkenly jump through a table.
- Swipe – I actually like this team a lot. But, they have to play an insane Jacksonville defense possibly without Lesean McCoy. Swipe left.
1. Philadelphia Eagles, 13-3
- Education – The movie ‘Invincible’.
- About – So we had the dashing-ginger Prince Harry as our QB, but his ACL is more broken than a cheesesteak from Pittsburgh. We got this Foles guy, who is uh…who knows? We will boo you though.
- Swipe – You swipe right still because they have a bye and the crowd can even intimidate Santa.
2. Minnesota Vikings, 13-3
- Education – We went to Iceland this one time
- About – SKOL! We are playing a lifetime-backup who looks like an MVP and our defense is the cream of the crop. The Super Bowl is being played in our home stadium too.
- Swipe – You swipe right faster than you skim read this article. Skol indeed.
3. Los Angeles Rams, 11-5
- Education – This adolescent coach came in here and showed us who is the damn boss, but don’t forget about how helpful Jeff Fisher was!
- About – So we are probably going to have the MVP, Coach of the Year and maybe the defensive player of the year. We are good everywhere.
- Swipe – SUPER LIKE. They look awesome and are fun to watch and root for. Wait, they lost Legatron? You contact Tinder support to try and reverse the super like to a normal like.
4. New Orleans Saints, 11-5
- Education – Bountygate suspensions
- About – Alvin Kamara, Mark Ingram, Michael Thomas, Drew Brees and a weirdly good defense. Yeah, you may want to hit us with the super like.
- Swipe – Not quite a super like, but the Saints deserve a swipe to the right with all that talent.
5. Carolina Panthers, 11-5
- Education – University of Keeping the Dab Relevant
- About – Questionable comments we probably shouldn’t make? Yep. Trading our best receiver for a late draft pick for no reason? You bet. Don’t look good but keep winning? That is what we do.
- Swipe – This is maybe as torn as you are with any team. They have to beat the probably three insanely good division winners just to make the Super Bowl, so the swipe is to the left.
6. Atlanta Falcons, 10-6
- Education – Learning how to Finish a Game Community College (Did not graduate)
- About – 28-3. We were so close. Then we had to go through the entire season this year not playing well with that game over our head. We have an incredible stadium though if that helps. Maybe?
- Swipe – They could not have looked more mediocre at times, but I am still believing in this club. It’ll be a tough road ahead, sure, but they have some serious #skillz.