If there are two groups of people who love hypothetical arguments, it’s sports fans and movie nerds. As a baseball fan, I’ve always wondered what would be the best roster of purely fictional ballplayers. Well, constructed with the copious free time on my hands and the ungodly amount of useless information in my head, I present to you the All-Time Fictional Baseball All-Stars.
C-Jake Taylor (Major League)
A veteran presence behind the plate, Taylor was an All-Star in Boston and managed to rediscover his game in Cleveland. He can provide style on road trips with his beautiful white blazer.
1B- Stan Ross (Mr. 3000)
Another seasoned veteran, Ross helped provide wisdom to his younger Brewers teammates. He can also help the front office with his notable business acumen.
2B- Alan “Yeah-Yeah” McLennan (The Sandlot)
He was one of the more talented members of the Sandlot squad, and his signature catchphrase could be a hit with fans. Also, he grew into a really scary adult and if this team ever got in a fight they could probably use him.
3B- Roger Dorn (Major League)
Dorn can contribute to the team on both sides of the ball if he can drop his tendency to be a mataDor (ole!)
SS- Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot)
A five-tool player whose love of the game can bring enthusiasm to the squad, Benny the Jet will be a key member of the squad.
LF- Bo Jackson
Here’s a guy who was an All-Star level player in two sports. The plot of his story is a little unrealistic: He won the Heisman, but refused to go to the NFL because the team who picked him had wronged him. He then went to the MLB then and later returned to pro football with the good guys, the LA Raiders, as an activity for the baseball offseason.
*I have just been informed that all of this stuff with Bo Jackson really happened. When I saw that the LA Raiders were chosen due to the fact that they had higher morality than another franchise, I assumed that it was fiction. I apologize.
LF- Pedro Cerrano (Major League)
Straight-ball he hit very much.
CF-Willie Mays Hayes (Major League)
Hits like Mays, runs like Hayes
RF- Roy Hobbs (The Natural)
Can play defense, tear the cover off the ball (literally) and strike guys out on train rides for some reason (in case this team is ever playing on or near a train).
DH- Hamilton Porter (The Sandlot)
Big hitter who seems like he could benefit from being able to sit on the bench and eat while his team plays the field.
Sidd Finch (Sports Illustrated)
The man may seem a little bit weird, but when you are painting the corners at 180 miles per hour, I really wouldn’t care if you walked out to the mound with a tree frog you’d named Alfonzo Ribbit-iero taped to the bill of your cap. (Also I never said these players had to be from movies, Sidd Finch is fictional, ergo (Latin), he’s on the team. Also this is a totally made up exercise so I can do whatever I want, you sticklers.)
Nuke LaLoosh (Bull Durham)
The gods reached down and turned his right arm into a thunderbolt. Can really be a great 2-starter if he doesn’t think too much and hurt the ball club.
Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)
This prepubescent fireballer can provide a spark to the team with his youthful energy and juvenile trash-talk (until he starts having embarrassing voice-cracks).
Eddie Harris (Major League)
A wily-veteran, the spit-, Vaseline-, and occasionally snot-baller can provide quality starts at the back of the rotation.
Kenny Powers (Eastbound & Down)
We can always hope that Powers can rekindle the success of his glory days. If not, then entering to Jerry Reed can redeem him from how terrible his starts are.
Set-up: Kenny DeNunez (The Sandlot)
Reached AAA ball, so he can probably be used as a middle reliever in non-crucial situations.
Set Up: Roy Hobbs (The Natural)
Provides a lefty power arm out of the bullpen. Showed that he can handle big hitters by striking out “the Whammer”. He’s Probably an even better pitcher when he’s not dressed like he’s going to church in 1900.
Set Up: Amanda Whurlitzer (Bad News Bears)
She’s got a live arm and an attitude to go with it, reminds me of Dellin Bentances.
Set-Up: Billy Chapel (For Love of the Game)
A veteran who can keep a cool head when called upon in big situations, Chapel can enter to Hozier’s “Take Me to Church”.
Set-Up: Steve Nebraska (The Scout)
27 strikeouts on 81 pitches in the World Series can’t be ignored, even if it came in perhaps the worst baseball movie I have ever seen (damn you Brendan Fraser)
Closer: Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Major League)
Vaughn has the two things every closer needs: an overpowering fastball and a totally awesome walk-up song.
C- Crash Davis (Bull Durham)
Can serve as Nuke’s personal catcher while providing pop off the bench from both sides of the plate. He also knows an umpire’s magic word, which could be useful.
UTIL- Michael “Squints” Palledorous (The Sandlot)
Honestly, I just have a soft spot for dorky-looking guys with glasses who continue to play baseball despite not having a lot of…what’s the word…oh that’s right, talent. In addition, Wendy Peffercorn would come to the games, which can only be a positive.
IF- Carlos “I am 12” (The Benchwarmers)
He is 12.
IF- Marla Hooch (A League of Their Own)
She’s a switch-hitting slugger who’ll provide a spark off of the bench.
OF- Kelly Leak (Bad News Bears)
Best athlete in town. Also, he shows up to games on a Harley-Davidson, which is kind of awesome.
Manager-Lou Brown (Major League)
Can control a ball club. Plus he’s very comfortable with his body, which will set a good example for young fans.
Bench Coach: Morris Buttermaker (Bad News Bears)
Buttermaker has shown he can help a team bond. He will provide drinks for the team.
Hitting Coach- Jimmy Dugan (A League of Their Own)
A knowledgeable former big-league hitter, Dugan can be a drinking buddy for Buttermaker and any players who wish to join them.
Pitching Coach- Larry Hockett (Bull Durham)
Former pitcher, and he knows which eyelid his pitchers have to breathe out of.
First base coach- Annie Savoy (Bull Durham)
She has baseball knowledge, and Crash will be happy to have her on the staff. She can also provide Nuke with his lucky lady’s underwear.
Third base coach: Joe “Skip” Riggins (Bull Durham)
He can get players to quit lollygagging around the field.
Head Groundskeeper: Ray Kinsella (Field of Dreams)
This man knows how to build and maintain a field. Plus, his construction techniques are known to get people to come.
Alternating Play-by-play: Harry Doyle & Scott Smalls (Major League and the Sandlot)
They can alternate or Scott can take over for a few innings in a row if Harry gets too drunk.
Color: Pepper Brooks (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)
Sure he is not, strictly speaking, a baseball commentator, but his incomparable style is too good to leave out of this booth.
Home: Guy who ejected Crash Davis (Bull Durham)
First Base: Guy who threw out Rick Vaughn (Major League)
Second Base: Guy who threw out Billy Heywood (Little Big League)
Third Base: Joe West (because boy do I wish he was fictional)