It has gotten to the point where I am questioning if Lavar Ball’s brain is fully developed. He has his moments where he seems like a guru (predicting all of his sons to go to UCLA, then Lonzo to the Lakers).
But it is the times where he talks about his own athletic ability that leave people speechless. That is, speechless in a bad way. Lavar, you might want to Google your name, followed by “highlights.” After the men’s league highlight tape concludes, it is apparent to any logical human being that Lavar Ball is awful at basketball. I don’t even think a slice of cheese could fit under his vertical.
Below is a list of all the people who would beat Lavar in a 1v1 game.
One-legged Michael Jordan
Yes, we all know Michael Jordan would beat Lavar Ball. But with one leg, and I’m talking not even a prosthetic one, Jordan is still going to find a way to dominate. We’re talking about the greatest player of all time against an overweight man who averaged 2.2 points per game at Washington State. I see MJ hopping his way to a 21-1 final score in this one. I’m feeling generous with that one point.
A Blind Brian Scalabrine
Say what you want about Scalabrine, but he’s a winner. An absolute asset to the Boston Celtics in the 2008 NBA Finals, he’s got experience in big games. Scalabrine would find his niche in the post, backing Lavar down until he can’t handle what real “big ballin” is like. Advantage White Mamba 21-16.
If you haven’t heard of Jackie Moon, he would remind you of Larry Bird. Mostly just because of his jersey number and blonde afro. This would be an entertaining game to watch, an absolute defensive struggle. I see this one coming down to a free throw, and we all know Moon doesn’t miss from the line. Final score 21-20.
A 5’2 Javale McGee
McGee is a professional basketball player, but has the attention span of a child. At his normal height of seven feet, he might be the most entertaining dunker in the NBA. When Javale goes up for a dunk, there’s a better chance of him breaking the rim then making the dunk. Even at 5’2, he’ll still find a way to throw it down. Lavar probably can’t even touch the net, and his jump shot is non existent. Mini Javale can miss all the dunks he wants, but would still come out on top. Final score 21-9.
Air Bud has a great mind for the game of basketball. His jump shot, or head shot, is lights out. His real strong suit is his defensive ability. Even when Bud looks completely out of the play he comes out of nowhere to make a play. Lavar would not be able to handle this constant pressure, and would break, just like he did when the Big Ballers forfeited their AAU game due to officiating. Air Bud would also probably sell more shoes if he came out with his own line. Final score: 21-16
After watching the movie Grown Ups, I was impressed with Sandler’s talent. His bank shot from the side is pretty much unstoppable. This would be the best matchup yet, not to mention the great smack talk. But in the end, Sandler would squeak out the win in a close battle with lots of technical fouls. Final score 21-18.